So as of right now I am without restraining orders to block me from my parents and my daughter. I have reached to both my parents and my daughter to no avail. Infact I have been 'blocked" and not acknowledged.
And I have recently found out that there is an active smear tatic that is being spread through 'professional" business courtesy of a twin sister.
And I have to sit back and keep quite for the "sake" of being the better person.
Which is BULLSHIT.
I am clean and sober. I have sent my sister a test asking for forgiveness. I have texted my Dad asking for forgiveness. I have tried to reach out to my daughter through TWITTER. She blocked me.
I have admitted to my mistakes. I don't even think 'mistake" is a big enough word to describe how I let my daughter and my Mom and Dad down.
But when does forgiveness start.
Want to know what is the most IRONIC thing in the world? My Dad always taught me that you can only say "I am sorry" once.
What "they" do with rest is up to them.
I swear there is not a night that goes by that I do not cry for my daughter that I lost.
You have no idea the pain that I carry. I miss my Dad. I miss his wisdom. I miss just being a daughter and a mother and a sister.
I often wonder what my identity is now. I am not asking for pity.
I am just trying to give a true spin on how far addiction reaches. And the people that you loose. Not through death but through the pure selfishness of the drug abuser.
You can never replace family in your life.
I truly feel lost. There are times where I wonder why I got sober if I was going to loose what was most important to me.
I always have to remember that I am sober FOR MYSELF. And I am told that rest will come in time.
I don't know if I believe this. I am so scared that I will not be apart of my daughters high school graduation ( Oliver Ames!!!) or her 18th birthday.
The ache is a pain that NEVER goes away. The thought that I no longer exist in a truly fabulous family is a pain that I physically feel.
But Like my Dad always told me: You can only say you are sorry once".
I have done that. I have said that I am sorry through text to the family that I wish to forgive me.
I heard nothing.
