Whendo you get forgiven? And whe do you give up and be okay with your family that has walk away from you.

So as of right now I am without restraining orders to block me from my parents and my daughter. I have reached to both my parents and my daughter to no avail. Infact I have been 'blocked" and not acknowledged.
And I have recently found out that there is an active smear tatic that is being spread through 'professional" business courtesy of a twin sister.
And I have to sit back and keep quite for the "sake" of being the better person.


Which is BULLSHIT.

I am clean and sober. I have sent my sister a test asking for forgiveness. I have texted my Dad asking for forgiveness. I have tried to reach out to my daughter through TWITTER. She blocked me.

I have admitted to my mistakes. I don't even think 'mistake" is a big enough word to describe how I let my daughter and my Mom and Dad down.

But when does forgiveness start.

Want to know what is the most IRONIC thing in the world? My Dad always taught me that you can only say "I am sorry" once.
What "they" do with rest is up to them.

I swear there is not a night that goes by that I do not cry for my daughter that I lost.

You have no idea the pain that I carry. I miss my Dad. I miss his wisdom. I miss just being a daughter and a mother and a sister.

I often wonder what my identity is now. I am not asking for pity.
I am just trying to give a true spin on how far addiction reaches. And the people that you loose. Not through death but through the pure selfishness of the drug abuser.

You can never replace family in your life.
I truly feel lost. There are times where I wonder why I got sober if I was going to loose what was most important to me.

I always have to remember that I am sober FOR MYSELF. And I am told that rest will come in time.

I don't know if I believe this. I am so scared that I will not be apart of my daughters high school graduation ( Oliver Ames!!!) or her 18th birthday.

The ache is a pain that NEVER goes away. The  thought that I no longer exist in a truly fabulous family is a pain that I physically feel.

But Like my Dad always told me: You can only say you are sorry once".

I have done that. I have said that I am sorry through text to the family that I wish to forgive me.
I heard nothing.

Miss my Mom's Hugs.

Well If you follow me. Which most do not. You have read the comment that my little sister wrote in response to that post. I could write a whole blog about how she was really my first "baby.' But that is for another time. Maybe never as I seem to think that she does not want to or try to remember that at one time I was a good person.
I found a picture from my wedding in August of 2007. My Mom was putting her arms around me.
I cannot tell you how many times I have cried, wanting to feel her arms envelope me and tell me that everything was going to be ok.
And of course it would. My Mom was super hero. She fought every fight. And I let her down in so many ways. She fought for me and I repaid her by becoming addicted to prescription  pain killers.
She was my mother. Fought tooth and nail for me and I still fucked her over.
I was a "blue" baby when I was born. 6 weeks early and deprives oxygen when I was born. and sometimes I think I would have saved my family a lot of heartache if I had just past on .
And yet I didn't. And I have been told that my time here ( on earth) is not done. That I have not completed what I have been put here to do. And Yet I wonder. Am I put here on earth just to cause my loved ones misery? And if so? Why would I want that path?


I have to believe that I am here for something bigger and maybe when I am worthy , I can feel my Mom's arm around me again and if I am lucky, I will hear that she loves me regardless of my fuck ups.

So here we are. Its January 12,2014. I welcome the new year.
Yesterday I went to court and found out that the restraining order that my parents had against me ( that also stopped me from having ANY contact with my daughter) has been dropped.
My first thought was : relief.
My second thought was: How does this work. How do we repair our family relationships?
How do I try to fix things with my daughter?
I cried most of Friday night. Not only was it a weight off my shoulders but the fact that legally we could speak to each other and yet I think both parties have no idea how to start over.
Its been a year. There is so much hurt that I have. And yet I miss my Mom and Dad and most of all my daughter.
But I feel like I am up against a machine that I cannot beat. Not once did the siblings that did not have a restraining order against EVER in one year ask how I was.
I can't help thinking that if they wanted me to be sober and be able to regain custody of my daughter, why would they not ask me how I was doing. Or ask what they could do to help.
I read my sisters blog today and said that her new word for 2014 was embrace.
I am going to try and do the same thing. I am going to embrace that I have overcome addiction.
I am going to embrace that I have friends that have become my family in absent of .
I am going to embrace that whatever will be , will be.
I am going to embrace the hope that I have my daughter back in my life.
I am going to embrace that against all odds, I did the best I could as a single parent.
I am going to embrace that even though there is anger on both sides, that I love my parents and my daughter.
I am going to embrace 2014.
A, I am sorry that I took your word but you are so right in your blog.
Happy 2014.

Happy NewYear 2014

I didn't think that a lot of people read this blog when a friend just asked me why she hadn't seen any recent blogs from me.
That is a good question. There are still people out there that would love to see me fail more then anything else. And it scared me. So I stopped. Kept my mouth shut and worked on some goals that I had set for myself.
And now its January. Last year in this month was when the term "hard love" took a new meaning.
I understand it. I get it. They thought what they were doing was right. Maybe it was , maybe it wasn't. Who can judge anyways?
What matters is that I came out of it stronger in mind and person. My husband and I both came out of it stronger in marriage. If anything , this year (2013) showed me that my husband is my best friend. He stood by through thick and thin , when I fell ,he picked me up. When I continued to fail at sobriety , he did not turn his back on me. He did not give up. He held my hand and walked me with  through every scary , emotional thing that I had to face in order to BE sober.
And its not over. I had an addiction, I have an addiction. Anytime I ever need surgery or dental work I will have to tell them that I have addiction to pain medication. And I use to think that I would be ashamed to have to admit that. But then the shame would be if I DID'NT admit it. You can't change what you do not acknowledge.
I don't have any predictions on how this story will end. I can't change what people think of me and I can't control how they feel either. I just have to know that I hit rock bottom. And I got up and climb out of it a better, stronger, and happier person.
And I am going to be ok. ~ Darcy